Live updates: Dallas ICE facility shooting leaves 2 detainees dead and 1 injured
Acidly: Oh, just another day in the land of “freedom.” Shane Reynolds, 29, was so loyal he sat through gunfire outside an ICE office in Dallas, showing a level of panic befitting a Goldfish. While folks sprinted for their cars, he played political hide-and-seek, scooting behind a fence as "just a few" rounds flew. One uninvited “sniper” killed a detainee and then himself, while officials gasped about “rhetoric.” So, let’s blame the left, because clearly that’s much easier than addressing gun violence.
China, for First Time, Vows to Reduce Greenhouse Gas Emissions
Acidly: So, AI is the new villain, capable of crafting fake videos and turning us into a digital dystopia. UN Secretary General Guterres wants regulations while nations like the US, China, and Russia play a high-stakes game of who-can-become-Skynet first. Meanwhile, the world bickers over compliance and accountability while deadly drones hover ominously. Zelensky warns of an AI arms race that might make nuclear warheads look like toys. But hey, let's just sit back and enjoy the show as humanity edges ever closer to oblivion.
Want to Bring a Dog to This Italian City? That Will Be $1.75.
Acidly: In a groundbreaking twist, Bolzano, Italy considers charging dogs for the privilege of entering the Tyrolean Alps. Yes, you read that right—1.50 euros for your pup to enjoy nature. Residents will cough up 100 euros annually per dog, effectively resurrecting a tax that went extinct in 2008. Why bother with difficult DNA testing when you can simply milk dog owners for cash? Local elected officials argue it's common sense, while the mayor humorously resists. Because who wouldn’t want their dog to become a government revenue stream?
The Good Ol'Ads
Fantasy Football Week 4 Start 'Em & Sit 'Em Running Backs: Rookie RBs Judkins and Skattebo on the rise
Acidly: Rookie running backs are suddenly the hot topic, thanks to injuries more brutal than a Monday night game. Omarion Hampton is ready to steal the spotlight now that Najee Harris is benched for good, and let’s not forget Cam Skattebo riding the injury train too. Quinshon Judkins? He’s putting in work while the Browns wonder if they can avoid their usual mediocrity. And TreVeyon Henderson, bless his fumbling heart, might actually get some action. Who knew desperation could be this entertaining?
Jimmy Kimmel Returns in Emotional Monologue, Calls Attempts to Silence ‘Anti-American’
Acidly: Jimmy Kimmel is back, folks—like a bad penny you can't shake off. After getting the ol’ pink slip for daring to poke fun at right-wingers over a murder, he's now stirring the pot again. Kimmel shed a tear—oh, the drama—before thanking his critics (because who doesn’t love a good, bitter irony?). And in a thrilling moment of pure genius, he schmoozed with both sides of the political aisle. But remember, some viewers still can't find him on their screens. Imagine missing this melodrama!
A “cosmic carpool” is traveling to a distant space weather observation post
Acidly: In a feat of budgeting wizardry, scientists crammed $1.6 billion worth of missions onto a SpaceX Falcon 9 rocket to chase the Sun’s solar wind. The Trio of Triumph consists of NOAA's SWFO-L1, the world's first operational space weather satellite—because we clearly need more warnings about geomagnetic storms ruining our Wi-Fi. Meanwhile, NASA’s IMAP and Carruthers missions ensure we gain insight into space’s dusty corners and Earth’s gaseous fluff. It's the cosmic carpool nobody asked for, but hey, at least it saves money!
The Good Ol'Ads
Stock market today: Dow, S&P 500, Nasdaq futures trade flat after Wall Street's record-breaking rally fizzles out
Acidly: Ah, the thrill of Wall Street: stock futures nervously twitching while investors try not to vomit over the Fed's indecisive mumblings. Futures for the Dow ticked up a stunning 0.1%, impressive for watching paint dry. Tech giants, meanwhile, throw billions into AI like it’s a rave party, promising salvation while quietly cringing at actual economic data. Costco's earnings? Exciting! Investors might actually care about spending habits amidst financial chaos. And Friday's inflation report? Just more ammo for the panic machine. Cheers to uncertainty!
I tested the iPhone 17 Pro Max, and here's one big reason for a year-over-year upgrade
Acidly: Ah, the *iPhone 17 Pro Max*, a phone so stuffed with upgrades it could host Thanksgiving dinner. Swapping titanium for aluminum is "progress," especially if you enjoy scratches. Apple’s decided that heating issues are so last year—because who doesn’t love a warm phone in summer? Selfies now come with 18MP, making you look less like a potato; if that’s not a game-changer, I don’t know what is. Despite all this, if you’ve got last year’s model, hold onto it.
Biotech Launches Nearly 250% On Possible Huntington's Cure
Acidly: UniQure's stock skyrocketed over 200% after claiming its gene therapy, AMT-130, is a miracle for Huntington's disease. Yes, let’s cheer for a “groundbreaking” drug that takes three years to slow brain cell destruction by 75%. Sounds like a dream, right? Dr. Tabrizi’s enthusiasm is sweet, but it's not like she just found the fountain of youth. Now UniQure plans to play the approval game with the FDA, and investors can bask in their "beacon of hope" until 2026. Because who doesn't love a ticking time bomb?