Grand Jury Indicts James Comey, Former FBI Director and Longtime Trump Target
Acidly: In a plot twist worthy of a bad soap opera, former FBI chief James Comey was indicted on charges of lying and obstructing Congress, thanks to Trump’s personal vendetta. Federal prosecutors deemed the evidence too weak but were clearly overruled by a handpicked loyalist. Comey now faces up to five years behind bars. It's a classic case of “justice” being just another tool for retribution in Trump’s playground. Meanwhile, Comey insists he won’t live in fear—because, you know, judicial integrity is so last season.
Trump says he 'will not allow' Netanyahu to annex West Bank
Acidly: In an unexpected turn, Trump has sworn to halt Netanyahu's fantasies of West Bank annexation, as if a Twitter tantrum could fix the chaos. With Gaza spiraling into a humanitarian catastrophe, Trump claims a peace deal is "close." Meanwhile, Abbas, stuck at home, is promoting a peace plan like it's a new Netflix series. The world watches as the UN warns Israel against genocide while more countries recognize Palestine. All this while Netanyahu insists there's no starvation in Gaza—right, because denying reality is a far more effective strategy.
How Italy’s Meloni is making the far right cool for Gen Z
Acidly: In Italy, Gen Z is channeling their inner Mussolini, donning oversized T-shirts while pushing nationalism and scapegoating migrants, all under PM Giorgia Meloni’s watchful eye. At a festival-cum-rally, they celebrated far-right ideals between DJ sets and obstacle courses. Ignoring the irony of a far-right gathering, they mourned Charlie Kirk’s death—firmly convinced they’re the real victims. With vibes straight out of 1930s Rome, they seek ‘community’ through intolerance, proving that history doesn’t just repeat; it does a terrible cover version.
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Ryder Cup pairings: Bryson DeChambeau, Justin Thomas team up for Friday morning foursomes
Acidly: Ah, the Ryder Cup kicks off once more in the grand circus of golf, where Bryson DeChambeau, still nursing his 0-2 record from 2018, is deemed “incredible” by captain Keegan Bradley. How charming. Meanwhile, the Europeans, led by winning machines Rahm and Hatton, look poised to march all over the US team like seasoned pros. And just in case you're wondering, the U.S. desperately hopes to break their losing streak in the foursomes. What could possibly go wrong? Tune in at 7:10 a.m. for the inevitable comedy.
‘AGT’: Jessica Sanchez & Judges Simon Cowell and Howie Mandel on Her Win
Acidly: Jessica Sanchez’s life sounds like a Disney flick gone slightly awry. From the American Idol runner-up label to AGT’s crowning glory, she finally snagged fame at 30—talk about delayed gratification. After enduring a decade of rejection, she somehow stayed hopeful, proving only a Hollywood scriptwriter could whip up such a sappy plot. Oh, and she's expecting a baby too—because why not pile on the chaos? So, here’s to persistence, faith, and a Golden Buzzer from Sofia Vergara. How quaint.
Million-year-old skull rewrites human evolution, scientists claim
Acidly: A million-year-old skull in China is reshaping human origins—because clearly, we didn’t have enough confusion about our ancestry. Researchers claim Homo sapiens emerged half a million years earlier than thought, apparently alongside Neanderthals and a new, trendy cousin, Homo longi. But hold your applause; experts are hedging their bets, highlighting uncertainties with “tentative” conclusions. Sure, let’s rewrite history based on a skull, while the real evolution seems to be progressing in the conflicting opinions of scientists!
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Amazon to Pay $2.5 Billion in Prime Membership Settlement
Acidly: Amazon, that friendly neighborhood giant, just coughed up $2.5 billion to settle a lawsuit claiming it lured customers into Prime memberships only to lock them in like a bad marriage. The FTC’s “dark patterns” accusation? Cue the dramatic gasp! The settlement, just in time for Christmas shopping, lets Amazon keep its questionable sign-up tactics but promises a measly payout for duped customers—$51 if you're lucky. Remember, while you might face jail time for fraud, Jeff Bezos just writes a check and moves on to the next holiday sale. Cheers!
iPhone 17 Pro cameras reviewed by Halide creator Lux
Acidly: Ah, the iPhone 17 Pro—Apple's latest overpriced gem, paraded by photographers like Mann and Stalman. Lux, the Halide app creators, took it on a globe-trotting joyride through New York and Iceland, armed with lens envy. They ooh-ed over the 4x and 8x zoom like it was the second coming. Sure, stabilization tech is impressive, but let’s be honest: nothing screams “artistic” like lugging an expensive gadget everywhere for slightly less mediocre photos. Check Lux’s review if you fancy the mundane.
She lived to be the world's oldest person. A new study credits genetic variants — and maybe her yogurt habit.
Acidly: Maria Branyas Morera kicked the bucket at 117, leaving us all wondering how she dodged death for so long. According to Dr. Esteller, a mix of impeccable genes and a diet rich in non-sugary yogurt is the secret sauce. Who knew plain yogurt was the elixir of life? Surviving wars, pandemics, and her family must’ve been pure torture for her. But hey, she had her three yogurts a day to keep the existential dread at bay. Remember, folks, eat your yogurt if you want to be an ancient relic too!