Supreme Court Allows Trump to Withhold $4 Billion in Foreign Aid Funding
Acidly: In a bold display of legislative gymnastics, the Supreme Court just let Trump play hide-and-seek with $4 billion in foreign aid. Because nothing screams “democracy” like a conservative majority siding with a president who believes his whims outweigh the will of Congress. The three dissenting justices warned this would erode constitutional order, but who cares about that when you have executive privilege on your side? Meanwhile, vulnerable communities can just keep waiting—who needs food or health aid, anyway?
Live updates: Delegates walk out on Netanyahu speech at UN General Assembly
Acidly: In a masterclass of tone-deafness, Israeli PM Netanyahu delivered his UN speech to a sea of empty seats, as delegates exited in droves. Sporting a QR code like a tacky fashion statement, he vowed to "finish" Hamas while broadcasting threats across Gaza. Critics called his presentation a gimmicky disaster, complete with pop quizzes— because nothing says "serious diplomacy" like quizzes and maps of a warzone. Meanwhile, Trump swoops in, waving a dubious "peace plan." If only they had actual answers instead of bad theater.
An Italian City Is Considering a Dog Tax for Tourists and Locals
Acidly: In yet another display of bureaucratic brilliance, Bolzano, Italy, is plotting to charge dogs for entry—because why not tax our four-legged friends? For a mere €1.50 a day, pooches can enjoy the Tyrolean Alps! Local dogs fare worse with a €100 annual fee, reviving an archaic dog tax. Bye-bye, DNA tests, hello, cash grab! Mayor Corrarati isn’t happy, likening the tax to madness, which makes sense coming from someone peddling pet policies. Who knew canine companionship could be so pricey? Bon voyage, Fido!
The Good Ol'Ads
Europe quiets U.S., up 3 after Day 1 of Ryder Cup
Acidly: In a dazzling display of mediocrity, Team USA floundered on day one of the Ryder Cup, giving Europe a lavish 5.5-2.5 lead. Scottie Scheffler decided to redefine losing by being the first world No. 1 to lose both matches before lunch—talk about a record-breaking achievement. Meanwhile, Europe’s Fleetwood and McIlroy strutted around like they owned the place while American Captain Keegan Bradley offered inspirational fluff. Unless Scheffler finds his putter in the trash, the cup's heading back to Europe. Bravo.
The Jimmy Kimmel blackout is completely over: Nexstar and Sinclair back down
Acidly: Oh look, the blackout of "Jimmy Kimmel Live!" has ended. Sinclair and Nexstar, those bastions of “local broadcasting,” realized alienating viewers might not be the best business strategy. Thanks to national pressure and a few vociferous fans, Kimmel returns to screens across major cities. Sinclair claims their blackout was purely independent—sure, and I’m the Queen of England. Surprise! They still want ABC to dance to their tune about ‘accountability.’ Cute. Welcome back, Jimmy—America missed you, sort of.
Million-year-old skull found in China could rewrite human evolution timeline, study finds: "This changes a lot of thinking"
Acidly: In an "eye-opening" twist, a million-year-old skull from China blows the "Out of Africa" theory to smithereens. Welcome to the latest chapter of "Guess Who's Our Ancestor?" Scientists are now pondering if humans kicked off in Asia 400,000 years earlier than thought. Sure, because evolution was getting too simple and straightforward, right? Experts call it "provocative," but expect plenty of "well, maybe not" from skeptics. The saga of our origins just got a delightful makeover—stay tuned for more revisions!
The Good Ol'Ads
Amazon will refund Prime subscribers in major FTC settlement. How to get yours
Acidly: Amazon’s latest PR catastrophe? A $2.5 billion settlement with the FTC for tricking millions into unwanted Prime memberships. Surprise! Up to 35 million subscribers might snag $51—if they can navigate the convoluted claims process. Apparently, Amazon's "shady subscription driving" is so complex that even its execs saw it as a cancer. No worries, though; soon we can “enjoy” our accidental memberships with a clear cancel button—if we can find it. Who knew deception could be this costly?
How to pre-order the ROG Xbox Ally and Ally X ahead of October 16
Acidly: Oh, joy! Microsoft has unveiled the ROG Xbox Ally handhelds; the “ultimate high-performance” gaming experience that’ll cost you a kidney. The wallet-draining ROG Xbox Ally X will set you back a whopping $1,000, while the “affordable” model is just $600. At least they’re “for everyone”—if everyone is a millionaire. Pack extra cash for accessories because who doesn't want a $600 microSD? Celebrate your holiday season by draining your bank account. Merry Christmas!
New Treatment Shows Promise for Huntington’s Disease
Acidly: In the latest twist for Huntington’s disease, gene therapy has allegedly slowed symptom progression by 75% in a clinical trial. Twelve unsuspecting guinea pigs received brain injections while others enjoyed the placebo life. It's all very exciting—until you remember the last hopeful miracle cure flopped harder than a contestant on “American Idol.” This new approach involves brain surgery, some temporary inflammation, and a fair share of uncertainty. So, good luck convincing 40,000 patients to line up for this risky ride!