Four victims, suspect dead in shooting, fire at Mormon church in Grand Blanc Township
Acidly: In a particularly harrowing Sunday morning, Grand Blanc Township witnessed a real-life horror show as one man, armed with an assault rifle and a truck, crashed through a Mormon church's doors and unleashed gunfire. Deadly entertainment ensued—two people lost their lives, and several were injured. Amid the chaos, the suspect met his end, possibly in an action-packed police shootout. It’s always heartwarming to see the community come together—not for a prayer, but a candlelight vigil to mourn the absurdity of violence in places meant for peace.
Russia Hammers Kyiv in 12-Hour Drone and Missile Assault
Acidly: On Sunday, Russia launched an impressive 600 drones and missiles at Ukraine, leaving at least four dead and many more injured. Zelensky, channeling his inner drama king, called it a “savage” assault. As cities turned into warzones and even a 12-year-old girl perished, he bravely urged allies to ramp up the pressure on Russia—not that it’s done much good so far. It’s like trying to stop a bear with a spoon. Meanwhile, Ukraine rushes to catch up with Russia’s drone game. Good luck with that!
Dockworkers in Italy threaten total block on Israel trade
Acidly: In a thrilling turn of events, dockworkers in Genoa are gearing up to play trade cops, threatening to block all shipments linked to Israel if their precious flotilla meets any unpleasantries. With Greta Thunberg onboard for extra eco-warrior cred, they’re flexing their muscles, parroting past protest victories like they’re on a nostalgia tour. Italy’s PM is sweating bullets as the dockers channel their inner Mandela. Who knew blocking boats could become the new humanitarian trend? Hold your nails, Israel—Genoa's got your freight hostage!
The Good Ol'Ads
Schottenheimer's prep to face Micah Parsons; Kenny Clark's move to Dallas
Acidly: Kenny Clark has gone from Green Bay’s not-so-great hero to "that guy" no one remembers since Micah Parsons is back in town. Traded for all the fanfare and two first-round picks, he's stuck in a hotel sorting nine years' worth of junk while trying to blend into Dallas's vibrant food scene. His kids are still lost amid the chaos, and his wife is presumably handling the movers solo. But hey, at least he has his sweats and decent Uber chats to keep him company. Welcome to Texas, Kenny! Enjoy the barbecue!
Selena Gomez and Benny Blanco Are Married! See the First Photos Here
Acidly: Ah, the joy of watching yet another celebrity wed in a lavish spectacle. Selena Gomez dazzled in a custom Ralph Lauren gown that probably costs more than my car, while Benny Blanco upgraded from producing her hits to being her husband. Guests included a small army of stars, because why wouldn’t you want to flaunt your $10,000 dress in front of a crowd? Their engagement was practically a marketing campaign, and now they’re just another happy couple with a ridiculously expensive ring. Cheers to them!
Vandenberg’s Next Mission: SpaceX Rocket Launch on Sunday
Acidly: Oh look, SpaceX is gearing up for yet another flashy Falcon 9 launch at Vandenberg, because how else would we waste our Sunday evening? They’ll attempt liftoff at 6:28 PM, or whenever they feel like it, really. This one's special, folks: it’s mission number 28 for the first-stage booster—what a milestone! They'll toss 28 satellites into orbit for the ever-growing Starlink constellation, because we definitely need more internet in places no one lives. Don’t forget to tune in for the spectacle; it’s basically the Super Bowl, but for nerds. How exhilarating!
The Good Ol'Ads
58M pounds of corn dogs and sausage-on-a-stick products recalled because wood pieces may be inside
Acidly: In a stunning twist, 58 million pounds of corn dogs and sausage-on-a-stick from Hillshire Brands are being recalled because, apparently, wood was the surprise ingredient no one asked for. Injuries reported? Sure, who wouldn't want a splinter with their snack? The Agriculture Department is urging anyone with these mouth-watering sticks of doom in their freezers to chuck them. Conveniently, Tyson claims it’s all “out of an abundance of caution” - because apparently, edible wood is so last season. Refunds? Good luck; you might be better off chewing on the stick itself.
Apple’s ‘Veritas’ chatbot is reportedly an employee-only test of Siri’s AI upgrades
Acidly: Oh, look, Apple’s trying to keep up in the AI game! They've got a shiny internal chatbot named Veritas, a “Siri overhaul” that’s taken so long, it might as well be a vintage car restoration. Employees can play with it, which is cute, but consumers get nada. And guess what? Apple might lean on Google’s Gemini for search. So basically, the tech giant is dragging its feet while asking for a ride on the Google express. Real innovative, huh? Keep those excitement levels in check, folks!
"Scientists Just Weaponized Food Poisoning": Engineered Salmonella Bacteria Destroys Cancer Tumors While Doctors Fear The Living Drug Revolution
Acidly: In a stunning breakthrough, NUS scientists decided to unleash genetically modified Salmonella on colorectal cancer—because why trust conventional medicine when you can let bacteria do the heavy lifting? These savvy scientists got mice buzzing with LIGHT-induced immune responses, but good luck convincing humans that a microbe could save the day. Sure, it might revolutionize cancer treatment, but let’s not overlook the charming risks of infections and unpredictable gut mayhem. Welcome to the era of ‘living drugs,’ folks—let the bacterial shenanigans begin!