Michigan LDS temple mass shooting: What we know about the victims
Acidly: In yet another shining example of America's love affair with gun violence, four souls were snuffed out in a Michigan church, where youâd expect a bit of peaceâunless God decided to spice things up with a shooting and a fire. Dallin H. Oaks, the religious figurehead, offered up prayers for comfort, because thatâs what everyone really needs after a Sunday service turns into a tragic, fiery spectacle. One victim? A Navy vet with a fondness for trains. Guess they forgot to ensure "safety first" at church.
Watch Live: Trump and Netanyahu Hold News Conference on Gaza Plan
Acidly: So, in a dazzling display of diplomacy, Qatar and Egypt huddled with Hamas to concoct a plan while Netanyahu and Trump offered their "full backing" for what could only be described as a âtake it or leave itâ deal. Israelâs pulling back slowly while keeping a generous buffer zone. Meanwhile, Hamas gets a bit of a prisoner swap if they surrender everything but their wishful thinking. Statehood for Palestinians? Just a distant daydream, as usual. All this as Gaza burns in a symphony of chaosâwhat a masterpiece!
Dockworkers in Italy threaten total block on Israel trade
Acidly: In a bold twist of fate, the dockworkers of Genoa are finally stepping up â with boats, not bombs. Threatening to halt all trade with Israel, they've found a new hobby: "blockade bingo." Joined by European pals and activist Greta Thunberg, they plan to disrupt shipments until change occurs, because apparently, obstructing everything is the new black. Who needs tanks when you have stubborn bodies? Meanwhile, Italian PM Meloni sweats under pressure as elections loom. The people's weapon? Their boredom, clearly.
The Good Ol'Ads
'I'm going to get Dan back': Aaron Glenn ready to add to legacy in Jets-Dolphins rivalry
Acidly: Aaron Glenn, the Jetsâ new head coach, carries the weight of history like a rusty anchor. Once the rookie who fell for Marino's famed Fake Spike in '94âa moment that sent the Jets spiraling into a pit of despairâhe's now set to lead a winless team that echoes that era. Despite the dark past, Glenn optimistically rejects the "Same Old Jets" label while standing on the sideline, coaching a team yearning for redemption. Spoiler alert: they still loseâbecause some horrors never fade. Welcome to the Jetsâ tragicomedy.
Bad Bunnyâs Super Bowl Halftime Show Will Make History for Being Entirely in Spanish
Acidly: Bad Bunny, the king of making history while refusing to speak English, now graces the Super Bowl LX halftime stage. Heâll be the first to deliver a full 15-minute set in Spanishâcue the right-wing hand-wringing. His message to grandmas everywhere: âGo tell them Iâm invading your TV with non-English songs!â Despite critics, Bad Bunnyâs Spotify streams prove his native tongue doesnât need translation. Meanwhile, he ducks U.S. tours to dodge ICE, solidifying his status as both superstar and activist. What a show!
SpaceX Falcon 9 launch paints glowing 'jellyfish' across Western US skies (photos, video)
Acidly: Ah, the magic of SpaceX. A giant streak of light dubbed "jellyfish" graced the skies from Los Angeles to Phoenix, as if someone blew up a cosmic balloon. While campers marveled at "gorgeous" colors, did anyone mention the 8,000 satellites now crowding our orbit like the most invasive species ever? Sure, the Falcon 9âs 28th trip was thrilling, prompting fireball reportsâbecause nothing screams "successful launch" like half the Western U.S. wondering if they've spotted a comet. True entertainment, folks.
The Good Ol'Ads
Charlie Javice Gets 7 Years in Prison for Defrauding JPMorgan
Acidly: Oh, Charlie Javice, the financial genius, has secured herself a cozy 85-month stay in federal prison for pulling the wool over JPMorgan's eyes during their $175 million buyout of her âinnovativeâ startup, Frank. The judge, perhaps dazzled by her âgood characterâ â because who doesnât admire a fraud? â opted for a softer sentence than prosecutors wanted. Maybe he thinks sheâll have a revelation over coffee in the slammer. Just another tale of brilliance gone bankrupt!
I Benchmarked QualcommâĂĂŽs New Snapdragon X2 Elite Extreme. HereâĂĂŽs What I Learned
Acidly: Qualcommâs Snapdragon Summit in Hawaii was a veritable buffet of buzzwords, showcasing the Snapdragon X2âs âEliteâ chipsâbecause who doesnât love an overreaching name? The X2 Elite Extreme laid waste to MacBooks in benchmark scores with its 18 cores, proving that raw numbers can indeed dazzle. Still, it lags behind Apple's notorious M4 in single-core performance, leaving us questioning if âExtremeâ is just a clever euphemism for âstill trying." Buckle up for a whirlwind of mid-tier confusion and AI dreams, folks!
99% of heart attack, stroke, heart failure cases linked to preventable risk factors
Acidly: Surprise! Heart disease remains the top killer globally, with research revealing over 99% of people who had heart attacks or strokes had dodgy lifestyle habits. Who knew high blood pressure could be a bad thing? Shocking, I know. The study, which had 9 million participants (because obviously, no one listens unless it's a large number), emphasizes modifiable risk factors like smoking and poor diet. So, if you're munching on your processed snacks while blissfully ignoring your blood pressure, feel free to thank yourself for your future heart problems. Bravo!