As 2 spending bills fail in Senate, chances to avoid a government shutdown fade
Acidly: With Congress inching toward yet another shutdown, the usual circus of partisan drama unfolded. Democrats and Republicans slammed doors on their respective bills, because who needs a government that works, right? Chuck Schumer blamed Republicans for a looming crisis, while John Thune pensively wondered if a few friendly Dems might save the day. Meanwhile, Trump cranked up the chaos with a racist video — just in case the insanity needed extra seasoning. Welcome to the dysfunctional theatre of American politics, folks. Enjoy the show!
Afghan women lose their 'last hope' as Taliban shut down internet
Acidly: In a classic show of medieval governance, the Taliban just snatched away the last shred of hope for Afghan women by shutting down the internet. Oops! No more online classes or jobs for Fahima and her sisters. The Taliban’s new motto: "Forget education, let’s embrace ignorance!" Meanwhile, Zabi, a former journalist turned desperate teacher, watches his dreams crumble faster than his students' internet connection. The Taliban insists this is all for "moral" reasons. Great. Because nothing says morality like oppression, right?
Frigate sale to Greece turns Italy’s active warships into fast cash
Acidly: In a masterclass of military-industrial haggling, Italy just sold Greece two second-hand warships—the Bergamini and the Fasan—because who doesn't love a good used boat sale? For €300 million each, Greece will get some retro naval power while Italy neatly sidesteps a significant gap in its fleet. With delivery faster than you can order a latte, this deal’s timing couldn’t be better, considering Turkey's near-constant irritation. Bravo, gentlemen! Nothing says "strategic superiority" like refurbished vessels.
The Good Ol'Ads
Lynx's Napheesa Collier blasts WNBA commissioner Cathy Engelbert: 'We have the worst leadership in the world'
Acidly: Congratulations, Mercury! You've made it to the Finals—too bad the league's integrity is doing the cha-cha in the backseat. Players are sacrificing their bodies while officials flub calls like they’re auditioning for a slapstick comedy. Leadership? Try dismissing players as "losers" for complaining and playing the “thank your lucky stars” card with their salaries. Fines for speaking up? Classic move. Enjoy the show, folks; we’ve got top-tier talent marooned by the worst leadership imaginable. Bravo!
Nicole Kidman files for divorce from Keith Urban
Acidly: Oh, another Hollywood romance bites the dust. Nicole Kidman, the queen of "I can do better," has filed for divorce from Keith Urban after nearly 20 years of marital bliss filled with rehab visits and public affection—only to discover they are, shocker, fundamentally incompatible. With two kids in the picture and a golden retriever's worth of awards between them, who would’ve thought ‘irreconcilable differences’ would hit harder than a bad country song? Guess those glowing award show appearances don’t guarantee a happy ending.
Scientists Made Human Eggs From Skin Cells and Used Them to Form Embryos
Acidly: Wow, the Apple Watch Series 10 is now a steal at only $170 off! Because who doesn’t need a tiny sparkly computer strapped to their wrist? Meanwhile, Amazon’s just multiplied its gadgets to distract you more effectively. Blink’s new camera accessory gives a “wider view” of your disappointing life—and scientists are playing God with skin-cell eggs that won’t pregnant anyone but might as well be the latest mall attraction. All while DoorDash’s little delivery robot ventures bravely into chaos. Spectacular.
The Good Ol'Ads
Frank founder Charlie Javice sentenced for JPMorgan fraud
Acidly: Charlie Javice, the poster child for bad decisions, has been sentenced to over seven years in prison for defrauding JPMorgan Chase. She lured them in with a fake database for her student loan startup, Frank, claiming 4 million users when she had merely 300,000. Talk about a glow-up gone wrong! Jamie Dimon called it a "huge mistake," but hey, at least Javice accepts responsibility... from her jail cell. She’ll also forfeit $22 million, proving that crime really doesn’t pay unless you get caught.
Amazon unveils new Echo devices, powered by its AI, Alexa+
Acidly: Amazon’s annual hardware circus unveiled new Echo devices, featuring the newly minted Alexa+, which we all desperately needed. The Echo Dot Max, Echo Studio, and the Show duo promise enhanced conversation skills—perfect for alienating everyone as you yell “Alexa” from the other room. These gizmos, empowered by fancy AZ3 chips, will now remind you to buy groceries and nag you about sleep like an overbearing parent. Don’t forget to explore the supposedly magical Alexa+ Store, because we all crave more brand spam in our lives.
A study finds that azelastine nasal spray may prevent respiratory virus infections.
Acidly: Oh, winter’s here, and surprise, surprise! Your clinic is a viral fiesta. Dr. Deathwatch prepares for the inevitable sniffles. Turns out, a German study claims an allergy nasal spray, Azelastine, might reduce your chance of catching COVID-19 and colds. Shocker! Its 2.2% success rate sounds groundbreaking, right? Side effects include a likely bitter taste and fatigue—perfect for those who enjoy feeling groggy. But don't ditch your vaccines just yet! Healthy young folks be warned: the rest of the world still needs real studies before this miracle spray gets hailed as the next big thing.