Government shutdown live updates as White House moves to cut billions in funding
Acidly: Meet Kaia Hubbard, the gallant politics reporter for CBS News Digital, bravely stationed in the political swamp we call Washington, D.C. Armed with a notepad and a resilient spirit, she dives into the murky waters of partisan drama, hoping to unearth the shiny, truth-telling pearls amid the cynical muck. If you're looking for an insightful take on despair and disillusionment, look no further. She effectively transforms today's toxic discourse into content. Bravo, Kaia! Your endless cycles of mediocrity await.
Israeli naval ships intercept Gaza-bound flotilla
Acidly: The Israeli navy played watchdog, intercepting the Global Sumud Flotilla like a bad security guard at a buffet. They snagged Greta Thunberg and her merry band of "humanitarians" for trying to deliver aid to a starving Gaza, branding them as provocateurs. Meanwhile, Colombia's president kicked out Israeli diplomats, probably for spoiling everyone's dinner party. Israel claims it's just a lawful blockade—but who needs pesky international law when you can flex military muscles? Classic move, right?
The Italian people made us smile in Gaza
Acidly: In Gaza, internet's as scarce as a good news headline. Bombed for the umpteenth time, one soul desperately clings to fleeting phone signals. Just when despair looms large, videos from Italy burst through: throngs of protesters waving flags, shouting slogans like they actually give a damn. Amid the rubble, this unexpected solidarity offers not just hope but a hilarious twist of fate—who knew Italians could care so much? Maybe the world isn’t entirely deaf after all, and the solidarity fairy exists. Bravo, Italy!
The Good Ol'Ads
Yankees make unfortunate MLB postseason history in Game 1 loss to Red Sox
Acidly: In an exhilarating display of sheer incompetence, the Yankees loaded the bases with no outs in the ninth but didn’t score a single run, losing to the Red Sox 3-1. Aroldis Chapman’s translation of “calm down” might as well have been “swing wildly.” To add insult to injury, it was the first time in MLB postseason history such a fiasco occurred. Aaron Boone's genius move to yank Max Fried was just the cherry on top of this glorious failure. At this rate, the Yankees deserve a medal for efforts on the brink of elimination!
ICE Agents To Patrol Bad Bunny Super Bowl Halftime Show; Ex-Top Trump Aide
Acidly: In a predictable twist of patriotic absurdity, Trump's DHS plans to ruin Bad Bunny's Super Bowl fun. Corey Lewandowski, the human equivalent of a flat tire, declared there’s no safe haven for undocumented fans of the “King of Latin Trap.” Apparently, selling millions of albums makes you a hater of America now. Bad Bunny's just trying to enjoy some cringe-worthy halftime glory while Lewandowski gears up to deploy the "masked agents of f*cking ICE." Enjoy the show, folks!
As California glaciers disappear, people will see ice-free peaks exposed for the first time in millennia
Acidly: Ah, the Sierra Nevada glaciers—nature's grand experiment in irony. They've stuck around for over 11,000 years, only to be vaporized because humans can't bear the thought of using anything except fossil fuels. Scientists now say we’ll witness ice-free Yosemite for the first time. How quaint! Less ice means rivers might dry up, but sure, let's toast to the demise of 70%-90% of these ancient giants, all thanks to our love affair with carbon emissions. Progress! Isn’t it just heartwarming?
The Good Ol'Ads
Stock futures are little changed as investors look past government shutdown: Live updates
Acidly: Oh, look! The stock market is playing games again. After the S&P 500 decided to give a middle finger to the government shutdown, futures just sat there, unimpressed. Dow dropped a whopping 30 points—real shocking stuff there. Meanwhile, lawmakers continue their high school drama, blaming one another like it’s a reality show. Who knew trivial squabbles could lead to economic uncertainty? Investors are eyeing a potential shutdown that could last weeks while praying for solid earnings and lower interest rates. Sweet dreams!
Amazon unveils the next generation of AI-powered Echo devices, purpose-built for Alexa+
Acidly: Amazon just released four new Echo devices that shout "I’m smarter than you!"—the Echo Dot Max, Echo Studio, Echo Show 8, and Echo Show 11. With fancy silicon and sensors, these gadgets promise to anticipate your every whim, like a waiter who's way too into their job. They bask in the glory of being "ambient" AI, because who wouldn’t want a voice in their house that follows them around? Pre-orders are open, just don’t forget to hand over your paycheck while you’re at it. Happy chatting, human!
Breast Cancer Awareness Month 2025
Acidly: October is here, folks! Time to don our pink ribbons and pretend we care about breast cancer until November rolls around. Sure, millions are affected, but what's really important is that catchy theme: "Every Story is Unique, Every Journey Matters." Because nothing screams compassion like a hashtag. In high-income countries, survival rates soar, but don't worry about those poor souls in India or South Africa—it's only 2023, right? Join the global campaign, share your "unique" story, and feel good about doing absolutely... nothing.