Education Department employees' emails changed automatically to blame Democrats for shutdown

Acidly: In a spectacularly petty move, furloughed Education Department staff discovered their out-of-office emails had been hijacked to spit out partisan drivel blaming Democrats for a government shutdown. How quaint! Employees, who didn’t sign up to be political pawns, found their messages morphed into political rants while they were literally out of the office. One even tried to revert to the approved nonpartisan language—only to be smacked down repeatedly. Apparently, ethics and the Hatch Act are just optional guidelines in this circus. Who needs accountability?

Manchester synagogue attacker named as Jihad Al-Shamie

Acidly: Well, look what we have here: another delightful Sunday morning—if by "delightful" you mean chaos and murder. Jihad Al-Shamie, a “British” man with a knack for mayhem, decided to celebrate Yom Kippur by wielding a knife and a car outside a synagogue. Naturally, he got a one-way ticket to the afterlife courtesy of the police. Meanwhile, politicians are flapping their lips about "better security" while a community grapples with the stark realization that hatred isn’t going anywhere. Cheers!

Italy Backs Trump’s Gaza Plan as Public Demands Support for Palestinians

Acidly: Oh, Italy, you’re really doing your best to look relevant! Lawmakers passed a motion supporting Trump and Netanyahu’s cease-fire proposal while tiptoeing around the issue of Palestinian statehood. Despite public outcry and protests, they remain hesitant, likely sipping espresso and counting votes instead of taking a stand. Ms. Meloni’s shifts on this issue could rival a politician’s flip-flop contest. Meanwhile, the Italians want to feel good about supporting Palestinians, but their leaders just want to play nice with the U.S. It’s truly a circus!

The Good Ol'Ads

LIVE: Padres-Cubs NL Wild Card Series Game 3 (ESPN)

Acidly: So, it’s Padres vs. Cubs in a wild winner-take-all Game 3. Machado’s all about avoiding mistakes—good luck with that! Meanwhile, the Cubs' Pete is sulking because the Padres didn’t just roll over and die like they hoped. Darvish, who’s been more of a ghost than a pitcher lately, faces off against Taillon, who's basically the poster child for “I’ve been through worse.” And can we talk about the charm of Wrigley Field? A historic venue filled with drunk fans who can't spell ‘World Series.’ Exciting times!

Sean ‘Diddy’ Combs Asks Judge for Mercy: ‘I Lost My Way’

Acidly: Sean Combs, aka Puff Daddy, is begging a judge for a break ahead of his sentencing on prostitution charges. In a heartfelt letter—clearly dripping with sincerity—he declares he's been “humbled” and vows to avoid crime in the future. After being found guilty of transporting ladies for drug-fueled “freak-offs,” he’s now just a misunderstood mogul seeking "another chance." Meanwhile, his ex calls their relationship a “horrific decade” of abuse. How nice of him to finally admit it—truly commendable!

What a Signal in a Failed Star’s Clouds Means for the Search for Life

Acidly: Astronomers have found phosphine on a distant brown dwarf, Wolf 1130C, an exciting "Eureka!" moment that leads nowhere. Sure, they claim it might refine the hunt for life in the galaxy—no biggie, just the usual cosmic scavenger hunt. But, shocking revelation: this phosphine is NOT life; it’s merely part of a cosmic chemistry conundrum. And please, don't rush to pray for aliens yet. We still don’t know why it’s here. Ah, science, forever keeping our hopes high and our expectations low.

The Good Ol'Ads

Berkshire Hathaway to pay $9.7 billion for OxyChem, potentially Warren Buffett's last big deal

Acidly: Warren Buffett's still-here-but-kinda-not deal machine is at it again, dropping $9.7 billion on Occidental Petroleum’s chemical division. This acquisition, hardly a dent in Buffett's $344 billion cash hoard, is likely more for show as he hands the baton to Greg Abel. Sure, it’s a “robust portfolio,” but let’s be real: it won’t change much. Meanwhile, investors collectively yawned as shares tanked. Poor Occidental, drowning in debt. Just another day in corporate America, folks. Who needs excitement when you have chlorine?

Apple shelves Vision Pro overhaul to focus on AI glasses

Acidly: Apple, in a stunning display of desperation, has abandoned its snazzy Vision Pro VR glasses to chase the mousy allure of AI smart glasses, because who wouldn’t want to look like a dork in their own version of Meta’s Ray-Bans? Apparently, they’re scrambling to beat Meta by throwing employees at two new models. One just pairs with your phone—wow, innovation! The other has a display, arriving maybe by 2028 if they’re lucky. So, enjoy your futuristic fashion faux pas, Apple fans.

The Ongoing Measles Outbreak Has Reached a New Peak

Acidly: Ah, America’s poetic struggle with measles, the viral drama of 2025. New cases sprout like weeds in states where parents apparently think “anti-vax” is a valid parenting style. Michigan, California, and Illinois proudly contribute to a shameful record—1,544 fresh cases of stupidity. Minnesota leads a measles revival tour with 17 cases, all thanks to the unvaccinated youth living their best lives. Meanwhile, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. and Trump offer their “wisdom,” proving once again that ignorance is indeed bliss. Enjoy the throwback, folks!