Shutdown has already delayed the jobs report. More critical reports could be held up

Live updates: Government shutdown extends, Trump administration warns of layoffs | CNN Politics

Acidly: Another day, another government shutdown, as Congress fails spectacularly to fund itself. Democrats want to chatter about Obamacare while Republicans insist on playing the waiting game. Speaker Johnson must think vacationing is more important than work since the House is heading for a long break. Meanwhile, Trump is plotting thousands of federal layoffs while his administration blames the “Radical Left” for everything. How charming. Schumer thinks he’s in a strong position—how cute. Welcome to the circus, folks.

Israel-Gaza Live Updates: Trump Says Hamas Is Ready for Peace After It Agrees to Release Hostages

Acidly: In a truly heartfelt tribute to the art of vague promises, Netanyahu dusted off a statement to announce cooperation with Trump’s hostage release “plan." Meanwhile, Trump, in classic fashion, labeled it a “very special day”—you know, for everyone except the 250 hostages and 60,000 dead Palestinians. As Hamas plays poker with hostages and political power, Israel flips a coin. Will anyone bother to ask the dead about the "future of Gaza"? Nah, that’d just ruin the drama. We’ll call it a regular day in diplomatic dystopia.

Pressure mounts on Meloni’s gov’t as Gaza protests paralyse Italy

Acidly: Ah, Italy. Home to pasta, beautiful architecture, and now, mass protests. Over two million took to the streets, declaring solidarity with the Global Sumud Flotilla, caught red-handed by Israel while attempting a “humanitarian” mission. CGIL's Maurizio Landini proclaimed it a fight for humanity—because waving flags and blocking highways truly delivers pizza and peace. Is it collective guilt or a long weekend break? Who knows! Meanwhile, Italy’s Prime Minister Meloni doubts just how serious these protests are. Bravo, Italy!

The Good Ol'Ads

Kendrick Bourne says Mac Jones has 'peace' now after QB was in a 'different world' in New England

Acidly: Ah, Mac Jones, the former first-round sage, has become an overnight sensation – or at least a mediocre QB who stumbled into a winning streak. With a sparkling 3-0 record in 2025, he's somehow transformed from New England’s punchline to San Francisco’s salvation, filling in for the injured Brock Purdy. Praise be! Kendrick Bourne is shocked at this “freer” version of Jones. Who knew happiness led to football success? And the 49ers? They’re just hoping the injury bug doesn’t decide to feast on Jones next.

Sean 'Diddy' Combs Sentenced to More Than Four Years in Prison: Live Updates

Acidly: In a shocking turn of events, pop mogul Mr. Combs finds himself trading red carpets for a cozy prison cell until 2028. The judge dismissed his lawyers’ claims of “consensual” escapades and pegged him as a master manipulator – just not the fun kind. After a tear-jerking performance from his sobbing family and a weak apology, Combs got slapped with a 14-month sentence and a half-million-dollar fine. So much for his "inspiring" legacy; it turns out his real talent was turning lives into a wreck. Bravo, Mr. Combs.

'The metal detector has gone off': Perseverance rover's find is a shiny new clue in the search for life on Mars

Acidly: Ah, Mars. The planet we've been obsessing over for decades instead of fixing our own rotting planet. NASA's Perseverance rover found some quirky rocks in Jezero Crater, sparking debate over whether they hint at alien life or are just rocks being dramatic. Organic carbon, iron, and even greigite – fancy, huh? But let's face it, a “maybe” just means “no.” At this point, life on Mars is an elusive Tinder date; great profile, no substance. So, prepare for more cosmic speculation while we ignore Earth’s problems!

The Good Ol'Ads

Shutdown has already delayed the jobs report. More critical reports could be held up

Acidly: Well, it seems Halloween came early for economists this year, and not in the spooky fun way. The first Friday of October was supposed to be a time of festive job stats, but instead, they got a government shutdown lump of coal. Poor Allison Shrivastava, left staring into her coffee cup and contemplating an unexciting dog walk instead of analyzing juicy job data. Meanwhile, economists fret over job growth uncertainties like kids losing their way in a foggy maze. Welcome to the new normal, folks!

Google’s Gemini AI app could soon be getting a big makeover

Acidly: After Sora's ascent to App Store glory, Google’s Gemini, once the digital equivalent of a soggy cardboard box, is getting a facelift. Spotted in code—because who doesn't love snooping—Gemini's new UI trades its drab chatbot vibes for a flashy scrollable feed. Expect prompts like “Teleport me to deep space,” because who wouldn’t want their selfies at warp speed? A Google rep says no announcements are coming “just yet,” presumably because they’re still figuring out what year it is. Meanwhile, we wait. Thrilling.

Breast cancer by the numbers: How survival rates have improved over the past 40 years

Acidly: Ah, Breast Cancer Awareness Month is back to remind us how far we've come in treating a disease that still plagues millions. While more women are diagnosed than ever—good luck with that—the death rates are actually declining. Joyous news! Apparently, catching it early means they can throw some treatments at it and watch women live longer lives, all while patting themselves on the back. And don’t worry, the ever-optimistic Dr. McGuinness is hopeful we’ll keep “moving the needle.” Cheers!