Supreme Court seems highly doubtful of limits on conversion therapy for minors

Acidly: In a classic showdown of well-intentioned ignorance vs. cold hard facts, the Supreme Court might just greenlight a therapist keen on "curing" gay teens through dubious methods. Kaley Chiles claims her free speech is in jeopardy—after all, who doesn’t want their therapist to have the liberty of warping reality? Meanwhile, opposing counsel points out that minors are already at risk of harming themselves, thanks to these “conversations.” But hey, let’s ignore evidence and see how far this misguided therapy can go!

Witkoff and Kushner Expected to Join Israel-Hamas Talks

Acidly: Well, isn't this delightful? The Trump administration sends a bunch of amateurs, including Jared Kushner, to broker peace in the Middle East. Steve Witkoff, armed with optimism and a vague plan, heads to Egypt, where optimism is as predictable as a bad rom-com ending. Hamas is “agreeing” to some mysterious terms, while Netanyahu plays hardball, insisting disarmament is non-negotiable. Meanwhile, civilians keep dying, and hostages tremble. But don’t worry, guys, the White House is “moving the ball forward.” Touchdown? More like a fumbled mess.

Italy to propose global ceasefire for 2026 Winter Olympics

Acidly: Italy plans to propose a worldwide ceasefire ahead of the Milano Cortina Winter Olympics. Because, you know, nothing says “let’s stop killing each other” quite like a bunch of athletes sliding down snowy slopes. Foreign Minister Tajani is feeling optimistic, citing the ancient tradition of Olympic truces. Too bad modern history shows these ideas fail spectacularly, like every promise of peace at the UN. So, lace up your skates, folks; the only thing we’ll see frozen are the hopes for global harmony.

The Good Ol'Ads

Bengals hope to have Joe Flacco ready to play on Sunday at Packers

Acidly: Joe Flacco, the human embodiment of "meh," pulled off an upset against the Packers, finally making the Browns feel good about something. Now, the Bengals are eyeing him like he's the messiah for their Week 5 game. Flacco, who just realized Cincinnati has an offense, will be scrambling to learn plays, but hey, at least he has Ja'Marr Chase and Tee Higgins—two actual receivers instead of practice dummies. Sure, he might implode with a couple of picks, but at least he's not Jake Browning, right? Progress!

Taylor Swift seems to be unbothered by mixed reception of her ‘Showgirl’ album

Acidly: Oh joy, Taylor Swift has graced us with another new album, “The Life of a Showgirl.” She eagerly awaits your hot takes—good, bad, or downright ugly. Remember, any chatter about her album is a gift to her ego. She plays the art police in a way that says, "Your feelings matter, as long as they serve my narrative!" Lines wrapped around record stores for album releases—what a treat for society. Critics have mixed reviews, but who cares? Taylor insists she's in it for the "legacy," as if we needed more reminders of her grandiosity.

Mars Orbiter Captures Rare Images of Interstellar Comet 3I/ATLAS

Acidly: In a cosmic game of hide and seek, Comet 3I/ATLAS decided to photobomb Mars while most of us mere Earthlings squinted helplessly against the sun’s glare. Luckily, ESA’s ExoMars orbiter snagged a quick snapshot of this elusive interstellar guest—impressive for a camera that usually just stares at red rocks 250 miles below. Scientists, thrilled with this cosmic dot, remind us that while they can see it, figuring out what it is might take longer than a toddler on a sugar rush. Meanwhile, Mars Express is still playing catch-up and, surprise, no comet sightings there!

The Good Ol'Ads

Tesla unveils cheaper versions of its Model 3 and Model Y

Acidly: Tesla just launched its "cheaper" Model 3 Standard and Model Y Standard—because who wouldn’t want to pay $38,630 and $41,630 respectively for a car that could be a glorified tin can? Sure, you’ll miss the luxurious bits like a second-row touchscreen and a decent speaker system. But hey, at least they go slightly farther than the fancy "Performance" models. Investors are thrilled—oh wait, they dropped 4%. Guess they’re still waiting for that mythical $30,000 model. Good luck with that!

This Prime Day iPad deal brings the iPad A16 down to a record low for Amazon's October sale

Acidly: Apple’s entry-level iPad, now a steal at $280, boasts the A16 chip—whatever that means. Sure, it’s the “best” for budget-conscious folks, but let’s be real: it’s the basic model that does what other iPads do, if you squint hard enough. It’s got 6GB of RAM and a battery that lasts “a whole” 10 hours. Touch ID? Great! But don’t expect to jot down your genius ideas with the Apple Pencil Pro—it’s not that fancy. Just one more way to spend money on something that’s… fine. Happy Prime Day, everyone!

After RFK Jr.’s shenanigans, COVID shot access will be a lot like last year

Acidly: The CDC has greenlit this year’s COVID-19 vaccines — access remains as smooth as last year, so rejoice! Anyone over 6 months can waltz into a pharmacy, fill out some forms, and get jabbed without showing any medical conditions. Praise the pharmacists for their unyielding commitment to vaccine access — a true hallmark of modern medicine! Meanwhile, pediatricians snagging vaccines for under-fives? Good luck! The labyrinth of federal guidelines is enough to give anyone indigestion. Confusion? What’s new?