National Guard Live Updates: Courts Hear Challenges to Chicago and Portland Deployments
Acidly: In a thrilling saga of bureaucratic drama, Southern California’s officials are scrambling like headless chickens over immigration raids and troop deployments. Amidst a mask ban for law enforcement, they declare financial relief funds as if that makes poverty vanish. Residents live in terror, afraid to breathe, fearing eviction while the sole Republican on the board, Kathryn Barger, finds the whole emergency fiasco a tad overblown. Meanwhile, chaos reigns in Memphis—where troops will magically solve crime, despite residents of color bracing for impact. Happy days ahead!
Live updates: Israel approves Trump’s plan for Gaza ceasefire and hostage release
Acidly: In a shocking turn of events, Trump’s buddy-buddy relationships with Israel and Gulf leaders somehow led to a ceasefire deal. Seems like strong handshakes and a relocation of embassies were the magic ingredients! Meanwhile, Palestinian President Abbas plays the optimistic fool, actually believing in lasting peace, even as rubble and blood remain fresh. And let’s not forget the 5,500 soon-to-be-policed Palestinians, ready to govern what’s left of Gaza, while Trump’s “20-point plan” promises—what a joke—so much hope amidst the chaos. Cheers to empty promises!
Italy unveils €31 billion defense budget with NATO target in mind
Acidly: Italy's defense budget is a delightful fiction, ballooning to €31.3 billion, up 7.2% from last year. Predictably, most of it is just creative accounting—pension payments and police costs disguised as “defense spending.” NATO's demands push Italy’s GDP allocation from a laughable 1.54% to a “promise” of 2% by 2025. They’re upgrading tanks and buying more F-35s, while mulling over Japanese planes for the Mediterranean. All good fun while the rest of the country figures out how to pay rent.
The Good Ol'Ads
Giants-Eagles NFL Week 6: NFL game highlights
Acidly: Ah, the epic clash of mediocrity: Giants vs. Eagles in Week 6, where hopes of glory meet the reality of subpar football. Reporting from MetLife Stadium, glued to screens and snacks, reporters Jordan Raanan and Tim McManus will dissect the thrill of incomplete passes and fumbled dreams. Expect "highlights" that are anything but, proving yet again that NFL stands for “No Fun League.” Grab your popcorn; this week’s snoozer is bound to be a real blockbuster...of disappointment.
Charlie Kirk’s Turning Point USA Sets ‘All American Halftime Show’ in Protest of Bad Bunny’s Super Bowl Performance
Acidly: In a desperate bid for relevance, Turning Point USA is launching its own “All American Halftime Show” in retaliation to Bad Bunny headlining the Super Bowl. Apparently, music has morphed into competitive sports, and who better to lead the charge than a group that can’t even agree on a genre? With Chris Kirk’s widow at the helm, they invite you to vote for acts that celebrate “faith, family, and freedom,” because clearly that’s what the Super Bowl needed—more dad rock and empty slogans. Good luck finding that on TV!
Bats Catch Migratory Birds and Eat Them in Midair
Acidly: In a shocking turn of events straight out of nature's own horror show, the greater noctule bat is now the latest feathered fiend, swooping down to devour unsuspecting robins mid-flight. Those nighttime migrations? Perfectly timed feeding frenzy! Researchers playing with high-tech toys finally caught the little devil on camera as it munched on its avian entrée. Apparently, ripping off wings isn't just a dark culinary choice but a weight-saving strategy. Who knew bats were such picky eaters?
The Good Ol'Ads
First Brands’ Go-To Bank Jefferies Opens Books as Fallout Builds
Acidly: Jefferies Financial Group, the longtime banker to First Brands Group, is now the reluctant star of a financial tragedy. After propping up the automotive parts company for over a decade, they’re left holding the bag as First Brands crumbled into bankruptcy like a house of cards in a monsoon. Thanks to supply-chain financing—think a shaky Jenga tower—Jefferies now faces whispers of blame. Spectacular collapse? More like a poorly directed soap opera. At least the popcorn's cheap.
Here is Panther Lake, Intel’s 2026 laptop chip with next-gen graphics
Acidly: Ah, the elusive Panther Lake—a chip that's supposedly the savior of Intel. They claim it’ll outperform Apple and AMD, but we won't see it until late 2025. You know, just in time for everyone to forget about it. With promises of better battery life and impressive graphics, they’ve conveniently abandoned last year’s efficiency. And while they’re boasting about holographic cores or whatever, let’s be real: if Intel can’t even make a chip that’s truly theirs, how about we just call it a washed-up has-been?
Covid Shots Are About to Be Widely Available Again
Acidly: In the noble crusade for app freedom, Joshua Aaron, ICEBlock's developer, valiantly vows to wage war against Apple for snatching away his precious creation. Meanwhile, in a twist of ironic timing, you can still score killer Prime Day deals on Amazon. Just when you thought global crises were less important, Europe drops $600 billion on clean energy for Africa, while death threats send historian Mark Bray packing to Spain. Nothing screams "progress" like shopping for a smart lock as society crumbles. Cheers!