New Jersey declares emergency as nor'easter approaches, while Alaska flooding carries away homes

Acidly: A nor’easter wreaked havoc up the East Coast, transforming highways into rivers and giving the airlines a reason to delay flights—because who doesn’t love waiting in an airport? Meanwhile, Alaska played house-flipping on steroids, thanks to Typhoon Halong, which literally tossed homes around like toys. The governor said help is on the way, as if waiting for assistance while your house floats away is a great comfort. Everyone's invited to the coast for some epic flooding and storm-spirited chaos. Enjoy, folks!

Live updates: Israelis await release of hostages ahead of major Gaza summit in Egypt

Acidly: Gaza’s death toll, now a casual 323 since the ceasefire, keeps rising as search teams dig through 61 million tons of rubble—talk about a real estate crisis. Meanwhile, Trump’s headed to Israel, preparing to celebrate the “miraculous” release of hostages while he promises an end to the war—because those are usually ironclad guarantees. In a dramatic twist, Israeli lawmakers protest the peace deal, calling it a strategic disaster. Ah, nothing like a war to bring out the best in international diplomacy!

Italy's hidden mountain museums in the clouds

Acidly: Welcome to the Dolomites: a punishing paradise where nature has clearly decided to prioritize drama over hospitality. Ain’t it charming that amid avalanches and craggy cliffs, *the* climber Reinhold Messner has opted to open yet another museum? Reverently housed in a forsaken cable car station, his collection offers the curious tourist an overpriced peek into the mind of the man who made climbing a death wish. Messner, still clinging to the past at 81, muses about passing on wisdom, but I suspect he also enjoys sticking it to anyone who dares think retirement sounds appealing.

The Good Ol'Ads

Penn State fires Franklin amid midseason free fall

Acidly: Penn State has fired James Franklin after 12 seasons, which is shocking to no one—except his bank account. With a $49 million buyout, the school's athletic director has certainly got a penchant for generosity. After coming off a trip to the College Football Playoff, Franklin’s Nittany Lions found themselves losing to UCLA, a team that hadn’t even led all season. Now, as the team mutters “Fire Franklin!” like it’s a catchy tune, interim head coach Terry Smith gets to try and salvage what’s left. Good luck!

Goldie Hawn, Robert De Niro, more stars pay tribute to Diane Keaton after her death

Acidly: Hollywood is in a tailspin over Diane Keaton's death, leaving behind a trail of teary-eyed tributes and heartfelt Insta posts from her celebrity pals. Goldie Hawn gushed about fairy dust and coffee dates, while De Niro and Jane Fonda waxed poetic about her "spark of life." Bette Midler mourned the loss of the "hilarious" icon who somehow avoided the cutthroat nature of stardom. PETA jumped in to declare her an animal rights hero. Rest in peace, Diane. The world of overzealous eulogies will never be quite the same.

Watch SpaceX launch its Starship Flight 11 megarocket test flight on Oct. 13

Acidly: Get ready for the latest episode of "Will It or Won't It?" as SpaceX prepares to launch Flight 11 of its Starship megarocket on October 13 at 7:15 p.m. EDT. Don’t worry, it’s just the giant metal tube’s eleventh chance to prove it can steer itself into the sea—so thrilling. With tiles missing from its exterior for a "stress test" (brilliant idea), maybe it’ll finally make a splash that doesn't involve a lifeboat drill. Tune in and watch as we all hope for a not-so-dramatic finale!

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US trade envoy Jamieson Greer calls China’s new rare earths curb a ‘power grab’

Acidly: Breaking news: US-China relations hit another brick wall! Jamieson Greer, US Trade Representative, reported China ghosted their attempts for a chat—classic move. Apparently, tightening export controls on rare earth minerals was a grand surprise, because who doesn’t love a sudden power play? The cherry on top? A $2 trillion stock market nosedive. So, while America freaks out, Trump keeps calm and carries on with another round of “let’s see how high we can raise those tariffs.” Cheers!

Apple has already begun work on an H3 chip and next-generation AirPods: report

Acidly: Breaking news: Apple’s AirPods Pro 3 are basically rebranded versions of last year's models, still sporting the aging H2 chip. Shocking, right? Apparently, bigger batteries and foam ear tips are the innovative upgrades we've all been begging for. Hold onto your wallets; the mythical H3 chip is in the works but don’t hold your breath. Oh, and expect fancy IR cameras in future versions—because clearly, we need to watch our battery life in high definition. Truly groundbreaking stuff, Apple.

Death rates are rising in young adults in Eastern Europe

Acidly: Ah, Eastern Europe, where young adulthood has become a real-life horror show. While the rest of the world frolics with improved life expectancy, this region is seeing a spike in mortality rates. Apparently, drug abuse, suicide, and war are the trendy new ways to exit this mortal coil. Mental illness is a growing party too—anxiety and depression on the rise. And let’s not ignore the delightful weather; frequent heatwaves and earthquakes just add a little flair. Guess it’s tough being young and alive there—so why bother?