Former Trump national security adviser John Bolton indicted
Acidly: John Bolton is learning the hard way that sharing classified diary entries with his family wasn't the brightest idea. The FBI is having a field day squashing him under charges for mishandling sensitive material, all while the alleged Iranian hackers troll him like it's prime-time TV. Even Trump thinks he's a "bad guy"—it's like a political soap opera without the charm. After lengthy investigations involving national security lawyers, you'd almost feel sorry for Bolton… almost. His mustache must be feeling the heat.
Trump says he will meet with Putin in Budapest to discuss war in Ukraine
Acidly: In a splendid twist of diplomatic farce, Trump and Putin decided to play nice in Budapest, because apparently, meeting in a picturesque setting solves wars. Their two-and-a-half-hour "productive" phone call led Trump to believe he could grease the wheels of peace faster than he greases his hair. Zelensky is due in the Oval Office to hear Trump’s half-baked plans, while Secretary of State Rubio preps to schmooze with Lavrov. If only peace could be secured with phone calls and social media posts—surely a Nobel Prize is in their future!
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Bengals vs. Steelers live updates: Score, analysis, highlights for 'Thursday Night Football'
Acidly: In a display of unremarkable mediocrity, the Bengals managed to confuse fans by scoring a touchdown and still losing against the Steelers. Ja'Marr Chase, whose life consists of battling defenders, caught a TD only to have it snatched away moments before reeling in a prettier version. Amidst all this chaos, Flacco - yes, that Flacco - reminded us he exists. Cincinnati’s playbook seems to read "fizzles" rather than "pizzazz," proving they’re experts at doing just enough to lose. And let's not forget the comfy spot on the bench for Cam Taylor-Britt. Who needs talent anyway?
Ace Frehley, Kiss’ original lead guitarist and founding member, dies at 74
Acidly: Ace Frehley, the cosmic guitar hero of KISS, has made his final exit at 74. He died peacefully after a fall—as if rock stars ought to gracefully tumble off the stage! His family, heartbroken yet perpetually grateful for his "kindness"—because who wouldn’t be? From pyrotechnics to history as a 'rock soldier,' Frehley made noise as part of KISS but somehow, despite all the drama and feuds that could fill a soap opera, he's managed to exit before the rest. How's that for a dramatic encore?
Ancient lead exposure may have helped humans evolve over Neanderthals, study finds
Acidly: Ah, ancient humans and their delightful lead exposure. Turns out, our ancestors were chugging down lead like it was a fine wine, and surprise, surprise—that gave Homo sapiens a leg up on the competition. While Neanderthals were busy going extinct, we were evolving a nifty resistance to lead’s brain-melting side effects. Bad news for Neanderthals, great news for humans—thanks to a genetic twist on NOVA1 that made our brains (slightly) less susceptible to disaster. Who knew lead poisoning could boost survival? Cheers to that!
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Stock market today: Dow drops 300 points, S&P 500, Nasdaq slide as regional bank woes hit markets
Acidly: On Thursday, US stocks collectively retreated, primarily due to increasing anxiety over a never-ending US-China trade war and regional banks' faltering credit quality. The tech-savvy Nasdaq pivoted from gains to a 0.5% dip, while gold rocketed to $4,300 an ounce—a shiny hedge against chaos. Regional bank stocks tumbled as Zions Bancorporation and Western Alliance disclosed significant loan troubles. All this amidst speculation of impending Fed rate cuts and a fun-yet-debilitating government shutdown. What a circus!
AI-powered features begin creeping deeper into the bedrock of Windows 11
Acidly: Microsoft's latest Windows update is a desperate rehash of Cortana, rebranded as Copilot. Now we can command our PCs with "Hey, Copilot"—you know, just like Siri and Alexa have done for years. How original! Microsoft hopes this “agentic” AI can finally do tasks Cortana couldn't handle—good luck with that. Their security debates may as well be about catapulting users' privacy into oblivion again. Copilot’s lesson? If at first you flop, try, try again, preferably with fancy jargon. Genius!
'Death fold' proteins can make cells self-destruct. Scientists want to control them : Shots - Health News
Acidly: In a world where cells play a lethal version of Simon Says, Alzheimer’s cells obediently take the exit ramp while cancer cells throw a farewell party. Dr. Green insists programmed cell death is crucial for our health, but let’s be real: it’s like a game of Russian roulette. Halfmann’s team discovered that immune cells implode like spent fireworks at the first sign of trouble. Now they’re trying to save brain cells from an untimely, cellular mid-life crisis brought on by misfolded proteins that might as well be the grim reapers of the brain. Is this research groundbreaking or just asking for a placebo? Stay tuned!