Dow futures rally as Trump softens tone on trade war again while first tech earnings and inflation report loom

DNA testing indicates remains are those of Kada Scott

Acidly: In a gripping tale that screams "cautionary warning," Philadelphia's search for missing woman Kada Scott ended in the worst way possible. Human remains found in a shallow grave may belong to her—DNA testing confirms a sad match. The last known contact? A 21-year-old slimeball, Keon King, who’s now swimming in legal troubles. Meanwhile, the DA flounders, admitting they could’ve tried harder to keep this guy off the streets. A true testament to our justice system—where some take risks for midnight judges and bail bonds over actual safety.

Israel strikes Gaza as both Israel and Hamas accuse each other of breaching ceasefire

Acidly: In the ongoing soap opera that is the Middle East, Israel bombed Gaza after claiming Hamas violated a barely-there ceasefire. Hamas, in a shocking twist, insisted they were clueless and committed to peace—talk about a plot hole! Meanwhile, two Israeli soldiers died, and a bus of 11 civilians was obliterated because “imminent threat”—as if being in the wrong place at the wrong time is a crime. Aid confusion followed, because nothing says humanitarianism like a side of chaos. More drama ahead, folks!

The Spritzes and Carbonaras That Ate Italy

Acidly: In Palermo, where Italian delicacies overflow like tourist enthusiasm, the mayor decided too much of a good thing isn't so good. Banning new eateries on Via Maqueda is his noble attempt to prevent the city from becoming an eternal food court—sugar spoiling the coffee and all that. Meanwhile, locals watch as their vibrant markets transform into Instagrammable food stalls, drowning under the weight of identities—empty bellies led by blind tourists, wallets wide open. Who knew ‘La Dolce Vita’ could taste so bitter?

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Betting Falcons-49ers: Will Falcons pull off another upset?

Acidly: Ah, the thrilling clash between the Atlanta Falcons and the San Francisco 49ers. The Falcons, fresh off a win against the Bills (which is like winning the lottery with a scratch-off), march into San Fran, where the 49ers are still reeling from a loss to the Buccaneers. It’s a statistical wonderland! No one can score but hey, place your bets! Experts are split—some say it’ll be a shootout, others a snooze-fest. Either way, your wallet will be lighter by the end of it. Welcome to Week 7, folks!

‘Tracker' returning for Season 3. Here's how to watch.

Acidly: Gather 'round, folks! CBS's riveting masterpiece "Tracker" returns for a third season this Sunday at 8 p.m. ET/PT. Justin Hartley reprises his role as the "lone-wolf" survivalist. Apparently, all Colter needs to do is forget about his pesky family drama and focus on hunting the missing (because that's healthy). When you’re done pretending it’s gripping TV, remember Paramount+ has options—pay $7.99 or go full-on cable magnate for $12.99. Who needs therapy when you have subscriptions? Exciting, right?

SpaceX lofts 10,000th Starlink satellite to orbit on record-tying 132nd Falcon 9 launch of the year (video)

Acidly: In a dazzling display of corporate ambition, SpaceX launched 28 Starlink satellites, including their glorious 10,000th, from Vandenberg today. Cue the confetti and obligatory cheering from company employees: “From Tintin to 10,000!” Fantastic, now we can all enjoy streaming cat videos in the middle of nowhere. Oh, and the Falcon 9 rocket casually performed its 132nd flight this year—because why not launch more junk into space? And don’t worry, they’ve got a permit to launch a staggering 30,000 more. Heaven help us.

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Dow futures rally as Trump softens tone on trade war again while first tech earnings and inflation report loom

Acidly: In a classic display of "I’m not as aggressive as I used to be," Trump is now playing nice with China after threatening to obliterate their economy. Markets perked up when he assured us we shouldn't "worry about China," like that’s ever been a good strategy. Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Bessent is set to charm a Chinese VP, probably over tea and tariffs. Amidst this chaos, gold is up and big tech dazzles us with earnings—because nothing screams stability like a back-and-forth trade tango.

Gemini removes ‘@Google Maps’ & ‘@YouTube’ apps for direct integration

Acidly: Oh, look, Google’s Gemini is suddenly on a decluttering spree! Those fiddly extensions you never used are gone, making way for “Connected Apps.” What a genius revelation! Now, instead of typing @YouTube like a caveman, you can mumble requests into the void. Want coffee or directions? Just charm your way through a casual convo with Gemini. And, if you’re not in the elite Google AI Pro club? Surprise! Enjoy your “Instructions for Gemini” page. Hope you like it bland, folks!

Respiratory virus season has arrived. What to know about getting this year’s vaccines

Acidly: Ah, autumn—the season of golden leaves and respiratory viruses. Apparently, the CDC thinks we'll be welcoming Covid-19 and flu like old friends this year, with hospitalizations mirroring last season's disaster. Remember, folks, vaccines don't prevent illness; they just ensure a "milder" version if you get sick. So, get your shots at CVS, but don't expect miracles. And hey, if you're pregnant, why not pass on those delightful RSV antibodies to your baby? The flu season is just a sniffle away, so keep your hand sanitizer handy. Cheers!