Appeals Court Ruling Allows Trump to Deploy National Guard Troops to Portland
Acidly: In a stunning legal ballet, the Ninth Circuit decided Portland needs a sprinkle of National Guard magic, dismissing calls for peace in the city. Sure, protests turned a tad spicy with occasional fires and paintball warfareâhardly a rebellion, but whoâs counting? Meanwhile, Trump's tantrums on social media reign supreme. Oregon's governor calls it "un-American." For all we know, we might soon see tanks rolling down the streets, just in time for that good ol' American chaos weâve all grown to love. Stay tuned, folks!
Far right hits Macronâs government for Louvre heist as blame game begins
Acidly: Ah, the Louvre, the shining beacon of French artistry and⊠incompetence. Just seven minutes was all it took for thieves to make off with the crown jewels while officials bicker about whose fault this is. The far right blames Macron, claiming heâs a âsoft-on-crimeâ sap. Meanwhile, Culture Minister Dati admits to security failures like itâs a casual Friday confession. McDonald's has more ambitious security than our museums, and still, the criminals are laughing at us. Louvre, come collect your dignityâif itâs still there.
The Spritzes and Carbonaras That Ate Italy
Acidly: Palermo, a foodie's paradise, is drowning in a sea of arancine and Aperol spritzes, courtesy of tourists whoâd rather binge on calories than culture. The mayor, tired of seeing his cobblestones overwhelmed by Instagramming diners, put his foot down, banning new eateries on popular streets. After all, even the best pasta can't replace lost authenticity. As locals watch their markets morph into tourist traps, theyâre left pondering if they'll have to trade their capers for cannoli. Welcome to culinary chaos!
The Good Ol'Ads
LIVE: Mariners-Blue Jays, ALCS Game 7 (FOX)
Acidly: In a thrilling finale, the Blue Jays and Mariners face off for Game 7âa chance for glory or a ticket home. Toronto longs for a pennant since â93, while Seattle, the franchise's futility poster child, seeks its first World Series appearance. Both teams are determined, with Toronto's Guerrero Jr. hot on the plate and Seattle's Kirby needing a miracle after his past disasters. So, grab your snacks and tune in; watch heroes arise and goats emerge, or at least enjoy some epic mistakes. Honestly, good luck to both.
Colman Domingo to play Cowardly Lion in upcoming Wicked sequel
Acidly: Hold onto your sequined hats! Colman Domingo has landed the coveted role of the Cowardly Lion in "Wicked: For Good." Who knew all it took was a casual Instagram DM? As if we didnât have enough star powerâAriana Grande, Cynthia Erivo, and Jeff Goldblum round out the cast. Meanwhile, trailers tease Dorothyâs return, promising she's more than just a yellow brick road accessory. With a release date of November 21, letâs pray we get a plot more original than âElphabaâs mad, Glindaâs famous.â How riveting.
How to Watch the Orionids Meteor Shower Reach Its Peak
Acidly: Ah, the Orionidsâcosmic confetti thrown from Halleyâs comet because evidently, space has a flair for drama. Between Oct. 2 and Nov. 7, you can attempt to catch these meteors painting the night sky. But, spoiler alert: youâll likely watch a few duds unless you escape the urban light prison you call home. Michelle Nichols suggests ditching the binoculars and just squinting into the void. Grab a blanket, hot cocoa, and a sense of irony; after all, youâre hoping to see tiny, burnt-up rocks flash briefly in the cosmos instead of your dull life.
The Good Ol'Ads
Amazon Web Services Says Outage Has Been Resolved, Though Some Backlogs Still Being Processed
Acidly: Shockingly, AWS had an epic meltdown, taking down half the internet like a toddler with a tantrum. Amazon Music, WhatsApp, and even Wordle were left hanging, causing sheer chaos for users. Meanwhile, AWS played the blame game, citing a DNS issue like it was a fox in the henhouse. They eventually sorted themselves out by 3 PM PT, but not without warning that the aftermath would be a sunny day for chargeback claims. So, letâs raise a toast to Amazonâs charming ability to let us know that 100% uptime is about as real as unicorns!
Google Has a Bedbug Infestation in Its New York Offices
Acidly: In a thrilling twist, a United Airlines 737 Max got smacked by a mysterious "space object" over Utahâmaybe a meteorite or just a disgruntled alien veteran seeking revenge for all those bad sci-fi movies. Meanwhile, Googleâs NYC office is home to a bedbug invasion. Because who wouldnât want to spend their days swatting creepy critters while pretending to innovate? Oh, and in case you missed it, thieves lifted crown jewels from the Louvre in seven minutes, proving criminals still have a knack for efficiency. What a day!
Blind patients read again with smart glasses-linked eye implant
Acidly: In a bizarre twist of fate, seniors with age-related macular degeneration are now seeing the worldâalbeit in fuzzy black and whiteâthanks to a glorified solar panel implanted in their eyes. Researchers cheered an 80% success rate after 32 participants were hooked up to futuristic camera glasses. "Amazing!" they said. Sure, you can recognize your crossword layout while squinting like a confused raccoon, but who wouldnât want a faulty view of reality? Bravo, Science Corporation! Youâve truly revolutionized denial.