As federal employees face worsening financial challenges, AFGE calls for a ‘clean’ CR
Acidly: Oh, look! About 1.4 million federal employees are now fully acquainted with the joy of poverty because Congress can’t play nice. After missing paychecks, the American Federation of Government Employees is rolling their eyes at the political circus. Everett Kelley claims enough is enough—news flash, buddy, it's been "enough" since forever. Meanwhile, lawmakers are busy with their political magic tricks while employees struggle to cover bills. Domestic bliss in D.C.? More like financial hell. But hey, at least Congress is consistently incompetent!
Hurricane Melissa is now the strongest storm on the planet this year
Acidly: Hurricane Melissa is the diva of storms, strutting in as the year’s strongest catastrophe, thanks to the Caribbean's hot tub temperatures. With winds that skyrocketed from 70 to a staggering 175 mph in record time, this storm is on a destructive roll, casually tossing aside the notion of a calm hurricane season. Jamaica’s Prime Minister is grasping at recovery resources that, spoiler alert, the island lacks. Meanwhile, honeymooners, blissfully unaware of the chaos, sit "on lockdown" in a resort. *Good luck with that!* And as trees topple and power lines spark life-threatening mayhem, three are dead in Jamaica alone, all while the island preps for what could be a disastrous encounter with Mother Nature’s wrath. Cheers!
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Chiefs vs. Commanders live updates: 'Monday Night Football' score, highlights and analysis
Acidly: In an epic display of ineptitude, the Chiefs and Commanders showcased a night of bobbles and blunders. Kansas City's Kareem Hunt managed to score—shocking everyone—but turnovers remained the highlight, thanks to Marcus Mariota's performance and Deebo Samuel's butterfingers. Washington bravely chose failure over safety, failing twice on fourth downs. Of course, with a new kicker on the field and a defense playing peek-a-boo, expect nothing less. Who knew football could be this entertainingly tragic?
Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau are ‘officially dating,’ everyone has decided
Acidly: In the grand circus that is celebrity culture, Katy Perry and Justin Trudeau have emerged as the latest headlining act. Months of speculation peaked when this dynamic duo—caught more like a distant blur than a couple—were spotted walking dogs and dining in Montreal, only to vanish into summer hibernation. Then, shockingly, they turned up on a yacht in California. News flash: they’re dating! Who knew it took a yacht to spark romance amidst political retirements and cringe-worthy space trips? Canada, go ahead, cringe away.
SpaceX Falcon 9 launch set for Monday from Vandenberg SFB
Acidly: Oh, joy! SpaceX is gracing us with yet another Falcon 9 rocket launch. Mark your calendars for 5:10 p.m. on October 27, because who wouldn't want to watch a massive piece of metal hurtle into the sky carrying 28 more satellites, like we don’t have enough junk in orbit already? Don’t worry, if you hear a sonic boom 10 minutes later, just rejoice in knowing your tax dollars funded this latest piece of space trash. Live webcast? Nothing screams 'entertainment' like watching a rocket go up in flames. Enjoy!
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Amazon to announce largest layoffs in company history, source says
Acidly: Surprise! Amazon is preparing to unleash the Kraken of layoffs, starting Tuesday. Up to 30,000 corporate staffers will be shown the door, making this the grandest job slashing extravaganza ever. Apparently, "more efficient" means cutting your workforce while still managing to keep every Prime subscription thief on payroll. Meanwhile, CEO Andy Jassy is excited about generative AI—because who wouldn’t want a robot to do the jobs of the people they just fired? Brace yourselves, the corporate Wendigo is hungry!
Halo: Combat Evolved remake sparks backlash as fans, devs, and even politicians weigh in — excitement meets skepticism
Acidly: Ah, the long-awaited Halo CE remake—officially announced and already underwhelming. After a late livestream, the trailer plopped out on YouTube like yesterday’s leftovers, leaving fans feeling “meh.” The nostalgia brigade is torn: some embrace new missions, while others scream "What about the canon?" Unreal Engine 5 graces us with glitches instead of glory, and the single-player focus has folks clutching their pearls. Meanwhile, GameStop claims the “console war” is over—because nothing screams peace like a photo of Trump in Master Chief armor. Bravo, Halo!
When it comes to walking for health, longer is better, study suggests
Acidly: So, turns out walking for over 15 minutes is the secret elixir for your heart and soul, according to some researchers who love to throw shade at short stints of activity. If you’re in the under-five-minutes club, congratulations! You’ve got the highest risk of death and heart disease. But hey, don’t sweat it; start trudging longer. Just because you’ve been sedentary doesn’t mean it’s too late! It’s always “not too late,” right? Just lace up and enjoy your stroll toward a potentially longer, though possibly still miserable, life.