Jurors convict Illinois deputy of killing Sonya Massey but can't agree on first-degree murder charge
Acidly: In a dazzling display of judicial gymnastics, Illinois deputy Sean Grayson was found guilty of second-degree murder for fatally shooting Sonya Massey—who had called 911, because why not be shot for seeking help? With an impressive ability to attribute mortal threat to a pot of hot water, Grayson faces up to 20 years in prison or, shockingly, probation. Justice, as expected, is on a holiday. Massey's family is left to ponder why her life wasn't deemed more valuable than Grayson’s police badge. Welcome to America!
Hurricane Melissa kills at least 30 in the Caribbean as it crosses the Bahamas
Acidly: Hurricane Melissa wreaked havoc, plowing through the Bahamas and leaving Jamaica floundering in a disastrous mess. With a death toll that rises like bad bread—four bodies and potential others yet to be found—Jamaica's leaders are apoplectic, declaring the damage is "catastrophic," a cute way to say “we're toast.” Power’s out for 77%, and people are literally stuck in the mud. Aid is coming, but we all know how effective that can be. Meanwhile, Cuba’s crying over lost crops—thank you, Mother Nature!
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World Series: Dodgers and Blue Jays tied 2-2 going into Game 5
Acidly: Oh, the Dodgers! After a masterclass in "How to Lose" by Shohei Ohtani, they were handed a 6-2 drubbing by the Blue Jays in Game 4. Blake Snell will try to change the script in Game 5, but who can save the defending champions? The Jays shrugged off their 18-inning heartbreak like it was a bad takeout, snagging back homefield advantage. Ohtani, riding the struggle bus, went 0 for 3, proving that sometimes even wonders of baseball can have off days. Let’s hope tomorrow brings better news for L.A.—or more tears.
Chelsea O’Donnell removed from drug court program, may face prison over probation issues
Acidly: Chelsea O'Donnell, Rosie O'Donnell's daughter, managed to get booted from a drug treatment court program. That's right—she couldn't even handle a probationary slap on the wrist. After a thrilling series of community service, essays, and apologies, she’s now facing potential prison time. Meanwhile, her status is "active community supervision." But don’t worry, Mom’s got her back, posting Instagram prayers like that's gonna fix a lifetime of woes. Ah, family love—how charmingly naïve.
Why Spiders Are the Ultimate Interior Decorators
Acidly: In a stunning revelation, spiders have been immortalized as the fanciest decorators in the animal kingdom, spinning elaborate web adornments, aka stabilimenta, with insect parts and silk. Apparently, they think their delicate traps are too boring without some flair. A bunch of scientists, led by Dr. Greco, used computer models to see if these flashy additions help spiders sense prey better. Spoiler alert: they found almost nothing. Welcome to the "stabilimenta paradox," where science fusses over meaningless silk bling. Who knew webs needed a personal stylist?
The Good Ol'Ads
Federal Reserve cuts rates to lowest level in three years
Acidly: The Fed, in a dramatic display of indecision, cut rates by a quarter-point, leaving us teetering on the edge of economic uncertainty. Of course, dissenters bickered—one wanted to slice deeper while another wanted to play it safe. The irony? They’re making policy without crucial data—thanks, government shutdown! Stocks wobbled like a drunkard at a party, and Powell claimed there's no set plan for December. So, hang tight, folks! The real question is—will the economy survive this circus act? Stay tuned, or don't.
Samsung's Wild-Looking Tri-Fold Phone Debuts at APEC Summit in South Korea
Acidly: Samsung just can’t resist popping out another gimmick: its first triple-display foldable phone, showcased at the APEC CEO Summit. Set to launch by year-end, this prototype boasts a flashy 10-inch screen that folds like origami. How original! But with two creases, durability is anyone's guess. Expect a price that’ll make your wallet weep, probably topping $2,000. Classic Samsung: reinventing the wheel while hoping nobody remembers they’ve done it with two hinges before. More drama than innovation, really.
Teens who use weed before age 15 have more trouble later, a study finds
Acidly: Surprise! Teens who dabble in cannabis before 15 hit a delightful buffet of lifelong mental and physical issues, says a new study from JAMA Network Open. Researchers in Montreal followed 1,500 kids, uncovering the shocking reality that 60% stayed sober. The rest? Well, those who lit up early have a staggering 51% greater chance of needing therapy and an 86% higher shot at hospital visits for physical woes. So much for the myth of the chill stoner. Looks like their brains are more like scrambled eggs than a smooth ride. Who knew?