Judge indicates she’ll intervene in fight over SNAP food assistance money
Acidly: In an amazing display of bureaucratic bungling, a federal judge has to intervene in the Trump administration's belly flop of not accessing emergency funds for food stamps. Apparently, 42 million Americans needing food assistance isn’t a priority. Judge Talwani, bless her heart, aims to slap some sense into the USDA, but many will still be left scavenging for sustenance this November. Turns out, when push comes to shove, Congress's intent doesn’t mean much to a government out of cash. Hunger? Oh, just a minor inconvenience!
Japan stocks hit a record high amid broader gains in Asia after Trump-Xi truce
Acidly: Asia-Pacific markets woke up in a decent mood, presumably after investors heard that Trump and Xi stopped hurling insults long enough to shake hands over some trade drama. Japan’s Nikkei 225 soared to a record—let’s see how long that lasts—while South Korea’s Kospi wobbled like a drunk on a tightrope. Meanwhile, Panasonic fell over 8% because, surprise, they won’t make as much cash for their Tesla batteries. The U.S. markets? Oh, they just decided to take a dip. Cheers to global chaos!
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Dolphins vs. Ravens live updates: 'Thursday Night Football' score, highlights and analysis
Acidly: In the thrilling saga of the Dolphins versus Ravens, Miami somehow managed to embody heartbreak. Malik Washington’s return set them up for a field goal—hooray! Except Tua couldn’t connect with Waddle and they got shafted by dubious officiating. Meanwhile, Baltimore’s Lamar Jackson, back from his vacation, threw touchdowns like he’s at a carnival. As for the Dolphins? They just committed to being the most self-destructive team of the night. Who needs a win when you can pile on the disappointment? Bravo!
King Charles III strips Prince Andrew of titles and evicts him from royal residence
Acidly: In a historic move that screams "family drama," King Charles III yanked all titles from his brother, the ever-embarrassing Prince Andrew, following the Epstein circus. Now, he’s just Andrew Mountbatten Windsor—sounds glamorous, right? The king apparently couldn’t handle the heat from public outcry. Oh, and the poor guy will have to ditch his 30-room palace for a Sandringham property. Andrew’s past as a royal heartthrob now seems like a cruel joke. Welcome to the tabloid stage, where every scandal is on repeat!
‘Teenage T. rex’ fossil is actually a different species
Acidly: Scientists have joyfully smashed their own assumptions, revealing that a once-thought teenage T. rex is actually a tiny terror named Nanotyrannus. This half-sized predator boasts long arms and a mouthful of sharper teeth—perfect for slicing salad, or, you know, small dinosaurs. Despite its smaller stature, it proved to be a real speed demon. Found tangled with a Triceratops in a fossilized brawl, this fossil swap just goes to show: always double-check your dino IDs before booking a Jurassic park trip.
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Amazon raises spending forecast to $125 billion as third-quarter results top estimates
Acidly: Amazon shares soared over 13% after announcing third-quarter earnings that made analysts weep with envy. Earnings per share hit $1.95, beating estimates like a piñata, and revenue reached $180.17 billion. Meanwhile, AWS grew 20.2%—still lagging behind Google's 34% and Microsoft’s 40%. But don’t worry, CEO Andy Jassy assures us it’s not financially driven that they just laid off 14,000 to “lean up.” Sounds more like corporate treadmill chaos. And who needs workers when you've got chatbots, right?
Amazon has reportedly canceled its LOTR MMO
Acidly: Big shocker—another gaming studio pulls the plug on its "ambitious" MMO while players are left clinging to hope like a toddler with a teddy bear. Yes, the glorious Lord of the Rings project is taking a hit because who needs more elves and orcs when you can just "reassess" everything and pay your executives lavishly? Fear not, Middle-earth enthusiasts; the smoke and mirrors of corporate strategy will surely make this a groundbreaking experience—just not for you. Hang tight!
Autism diagnosis rates higher among children born to mothers who had Covid-19 during pregnancy, study suggests
Acidly: Well, it turns out that if you caught Covid while pregnant, your kid might be a little different. A recent study from Massachusetts found that over 16% of kiddos born to infected moms end up with neurodevelopment disorders, compared to less than 10% for the rest. Shockingly, boys seem to be the biggest victims in this mess. And let’s not forget that Covid-19 isn’t just a headache for you but a potential brain blender for your unborn child. Who knew prenatal precaution was a thing? Apparently, now you do.